Republican Jesus

Hoo, boy, there is more truth than humor in here…but do go read! Written by

Justin “filthy liberal scum” Rosario

Here are some excerpts….

“Wait a minute.  Not believing in God (or, more precisely, not believing in a very specific version of God) makes me a bad American?  How does that even work?  This country was founded on religious freedom and the explicit separation of Church and State, wasn’t it?  And that’s when I became acquainted with Republican Jesus™.

Who the hell is Republican Jesus™?

Republican Jesus™ is very different than the Jesus you and I are familiar with.  First off, he is White.  Not just white, but White.  Republican Jesus™ has a special place in his heart for America.  Specifically, White America.  Do you doubt this?  Ask yourself why anyone who believes in a colorblind Jesus would even conceive of praying for the death of Obama?  No, only those who follow Republican Jesus™ would even think that such a prayer could, or should, be answered.  If you are currently thinking that racism has nothing to do with the unprecedented hatred of Obama, go away, I’m talking to the grownups.”


Republican Jesus™ hates The Gay.  They’re sinners, after all.  It says so right there in the Bible next to the part about shellfish being an abomination.  Nothing demonstrates the compassionate conservatives’ dedication to the teachings of Republican Jesus™ like blocking legislation for same sex marriage and calling homosexuals pedophiles while enjoying a nice shrimp cocktail before a delicious lobster dinner.

Also, Republican Jesus™ gave us AIDS, and STDs in general, as punishment for homosexuality.  Of course, this ignores the fact that lesbians (a well known subset of homosexuality) have the lowest rate of STDs, including AIDS, among all adult population groups.  So as far as punishment goes, half of the “sinners” are better off than the rest of us, statistically speaking.  Maybe Republican Jesus™ likes him some girl on girl action?”

Quite a satisfying article. Here is the linkyloo!

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21 Responses to Republican Jesus

  1. geologywoman says:

    Ironically, the Brits are much more liberal about religion than America.

    • littleoddme says:

      Given the religious history of England, I am not that surprised really.

      What I don’t quite understand is how some Americans got quite so rabid.

      • There’s a lot of class anxiety in America, even though we claim we are a classless society. When certain groups—mostly poor rural whites—felt left behind by the industrialized, culturally diverse cities, they turned to religion to attack the things they felt threatened by: emancipated women, African Americans and recent immigrants, intellectuals (especially Jewish intellectuals), and modern science. You could justify your hate and ignorance by calling everything you disagreed with a sin.

        The British also had the good fortune of having their Christian Bible thumpers, the Puritans, Presbyterians, and Baptists, leave the country and come to America. So we did the British a huge favor in that regard!

        A really good book on the subject came out a few years ago, “Fundamentalism and American Culture” by George M. Marsden. It manages to be fair and rational about a polarizing topic in the US, and it’s well written.

        • jaklumen says:

          When certain groups—mostly poor rural whites—felt left behind by the industrialized, culturally diverse cities, they turned to religion to attack the things they felt threatened by

          Ironically, some Brits are not well informed on this.

          I am amazed when I found one ranting about Eastern European and Arab immigrants and she was completely astonished that we had similar anti-immigrant sentiments expressed here.

          Oh yes.

          On the surface, their reasons might not be the same, but deep down individually– it might not be that different. I also spoke with a Norwegian on this issue, as there are similar sentiments in Norway as well.

          So I ask, rhetorically, after a fashion: why are we not comparing notes? It’s not just a U.S. problem– not by a long shot.

        • Lauri says:

          Very interesting, HG!
          Something that puzzles me is how it has crept into so many aspects of society…well, let’s face it…all the way up to the presidency.

          When I grew up we did everything at our church. Everything. But it wasn’t the Bible thumping save your soul type of church. It was a social thing. As I reached my early 20s, it was changing and many of my family changed with it, into the “everyone’s going to hell but us” kind of silliness, and there’s really no talking them out of it.

          • Lurkertype says:

            Between Romance Novel Mary and Salted Jesus, I think it’s pretty clear you shouldn’t waste your time trying.

          • There’s another book, “What’s the Matter With Kansas?” by Thomas Frank, which addresses your question. It’s been out for awhile—it came out right after Kerry lost to Bush—so you should be able to find a cheap used copy.

            But wealthy white elites also have embraced religion as a justification for the status quo. It’s actually an old, old idea that came from the Puritans, that God set each of us in our station when we were born, and it’s up to us to work hard, build our assets, yadda yadda. So if I’m richer than you, it’s because GOD made it that way! No mention about silver spoons and trust funds (or chronic illness or divorce and abandonment) in that discussion, but it’s amazing how many middle and working class people believe so deeply in that ethic. It doesn’t seem to occur to them that maybe a human-made system is responsible for disparities in wealth and resources.

            OK, now I’ll shut up.

            • Lauri says:

              Oh, by all means, continue to share your thoughts and knowledge with us! I find it fascinating, and a bit comforting that it’s not totally just the fact that people are idiots.
              There is some manipulation of the collective conscious/subconscious going on here. Probably by God. 😉

  2. Emmy says:

    These people are scary and they vote. They no doubt see Jesus when they look in the mirror because they’re obviously hallucinating.

  3. snoringKatZ says:

    Maybe I can sell Republican Jesus™ The Damn Car™.

  4. AuntieBellum says:

    As someone who knows a lot of Republicans and Christians (many of them the same people), I do have to say that the vast, vast majority of them are not like this at all. As usual, it’s the obnoxious minority that makes the whole group look bad.

    • Lauri says:

      I know, Auntie! Most of my family are Republican and Christians and they are kind loving people. Once in awhile they get my goat by announcing that someone is going to hell, or saying something about a 2 year old having tantrums as suffering from “original sin”…neither of which I happen to believe, but on the whole they are dear people.

      • jaklumen says:

        Sort of a Ned Flanders thing? Yes-indeedily-do?

      • AuntieBellum says:

        Right after college, I lived with a gal for a few months, and I remember being stunned into utter silence when I heard her say “God hates gay people,” so I know those people exist. I wanted to get my Bible out and rub her nose in the bits (lots of ’em) that specifically contradicted her, but I didn’t figure it would do any good. That kind of attitude isn’t usually fazed by facts. Unfortunately…

        • Lauri says:

          Oh, that is just awful. But, I have learned too that I just need to quietly say what I believe and then try to let it go, because you can’t argue with people like that.

  5. xmangerm says:

    I am glad that I don’t have that dilemma about apposing religion forces. Long live Deism.

  6. phantomxii says:

    Oh, my—just saw this post (and discussion). Great stuff!

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